Signs and Symptoms of Giving Your Life to God
How I Survived....
There is a specific kind of exhaustion reserved for those who are born with their hands open. Or rather, their hearts.
When you carry a gift, whether it is intuition, a healing presence, or simply a light that shines a little too brightly in the dark...
Those people hiding in the dark will flock to you. But they do not always come to admire the light; often, they come to consume it.
They come in moments of vulnerability, loneliness, isolation. They will use your warmth to thaw their own coldness in their souls, take your spiritual energy to fill their own voids, and demand your energy, your presence, and your charity until there is nothing left of you but bone and blood and breath.
For a long time, I lived in the lonely and agonizing space between selflessness and self destruction. While also maintaining self awareness about it. I believed that clarity, charity, and empathy meant being a martyr. I allowed my boundaries to blur in the name of servitude and sacrifice, giving pieces of my soul, my flesh, and my energy to people who only viewed me as a resource or something to be studied. It is a terrifying thing to realize you have lost yourself completely to the maintenance of others...
When you finally look in the mirror and see only the ghost of a person who bled out so that everyone else could feel something....
So that they could feel alive.
But there is a strange, radical grace that waits for you at the absolute bottom.
I have been to the depths of that emptiness. I have sat in the dark and entertained the "bad thoughts." I have felt the cold, magnetic pull of resentment, vengeance, and totally, absolutely, agonizing despair. But when you hit the floor of the void, when you look around at the darkness and realize... No one is there...You either give up completely, or you realize that you have a choice.
That you can let the darkness consume you, or you can use the pressure of the deep to forge yourself into something truly unbreakable.
Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.
That you can pass all of it off onto God.
I chose something better. I chose something stronger. Because I have known the absolute terror of the depths, I now have the courage to fight the dark. You cannot scare a woman who has already survived her own destruction over and over again just to see if she could.
I survived it by mythologizing my own life. By creating an inner world fueled by deep noticing of my outer one.
I used my pain as data points in a greater depth of research.
I began to read the signs, the symbols, the quiet synchronicities that God leaves like breadcrumbs.
You wrap yourself in your faith, your traditions, and your ancestry, and you build a perception of yourself so massive, so rooted in the divine, that no ordinary human cruelty can ever shatter it.
When you realize you are a character in a cosmic, ancient story written by The Lord, Our God,
the petty manipulations of small minded people suddenly don't seem to work anymore. You stop being the victim of a local tragedy, and you become the hero of a spiritual epic. A prophet of your own times because you dare to even speak The Word. To live authentically. To ask the ancient questions. To read the texts. To look at the sky.
To ask why.
To never shy away from The Truth.
This requires the ultimate sacrifice.
Because you have to truly give your life to God.
And handing your sword over to God does not make life easy. In fact, it makes life chaotic, agonizing, and completely unreliably unpredictable. You lose your say. You lose your illusion of control. Your careful plans will be upended, and nothing will go how you expected.
Things that used to come easy, now do not come at all.
The things you need seem to appear for each day that you need them, as if they are being added to your inventory as you go.
Life is magical. If you choose to see it that way.
When you surrender, the suffering changes. It is no longer the hollow, degrading pain of being used by empty people... No, it is the growing pain of a soul expanding.
You no longer have to wake up expecting the worst, because you understand that even if the unexpected happens, it is part of a design far greater than your own.
Every pain has a purpose.
Every purpose has a plan.
I choose to only accept plans given to me by The Son of Man.
I do not belong to myself anymore. I belong to the strange, beautiful, and sometimes crazy will of God. And in losing myself entirely to Him,
I finally found the one thing no one can ever take from me, my true name.
- girl ben Elohim